 Puns I don't know why, but I quite like puns. I know, they can be quite lame, and I am often accused of telling "dad jokes" when I share one. Maybe it's my interest in language which is part of the reason. Anyway, here are some of my favourites. View them at your own risk! Some of My Favourite Puns Is it ignorance or apathy that's destroying the world today? I don't know and don't really care. Today I saw a dwarf climbing down a prison wall. I thought to myself That's a little condescending A very philosophical friend asked me "What is Earth without art?" I just looked at him and said "Eh?" I saw an ad for burial plots, and I thought: "That's the last thing I need!" I know a guy who's addicted to drinking brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time. I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down. A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months. How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it Stallone: I'm making a movie about composers. I'm playing Beethoven. Van Damme: I'll be Mozart. Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I'm not saying it. I noticed that the cover of my ironing board was wrinkled, and laughed at the irony. Then, I laughed again because of the word "irony" There's a fine line between a numerator and a denominator. Only a fraction of people will find this funny. I was shocked to read in the papers today that a dwarf had been pickpocketed and I just thought to myself "How can anyone stoop so low?" A man was found guilty of overusing commas. He was warned to expect a really long sentence. I built a model of Mount Everest. My son asked, "Is it to scale?" I replied, "No, it's just to look at." Went to see a psychic who was in a bad mood, then saw a clairvoyant who was really grumpy. I'm just trying to find a happy medium. I visited a monastery and as I walked past the kitchen I saw a man frying chips. I asked him "Are you the friar?" He replied "No, I'm the chip monk". Thanks for teaching me the meaning of plethora. It means a lot I really am going to conquer my problem with procrastinating. You just wait and see. My ex-wife still misses me - but her aim is starting to improve The guy who invented the door knocker got a no-bell prize A bloke in work asked me if I knew anywhere he could get a second hand toupee, I replied "Not off the top of my head". What did the surgeon say to the patient who insisted on closing up their own incision? Suture self. I've started telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes. It's all about raisin awareness. In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion. I got mugged by 6 dwarves last night. Not Happy. My geography teacher asked me if I could name a country with no R in it. I said "No way". I always a have a picture of my wife and children in my wallet. It reminds me why there's no money in it. To the guy who invented zero. Thanks for nothing, Got home to find my kids were on eBay all day. If they're still there tomorrow, I'm going to have to lower the price. I told my wife she needs to embrace her mistakes.So she gave me a hug. My dog ate a whole bag of scrabble tiles. So I took him to the vet; no word yet. I accidentally took my cat's meds lat night. Don't ask me 'ow. Why did the physics teacher break up with the biology teacher? There was no chemistry. Wanting rid of my collection of glove-puppets. Any offer accepted, I just want them off my hands. What do you call a factory that makes products that are just OK? A satisfactory. I haven't spoken to my wife in 7 years. I didn't want to interrupt her. What did Spartacus think when the lion ate his wife? He was glad 'e ate 'er. My doctor said my DNA is backwards. I said "and"? I had a great childhood. Dad used to roll me down the hill in tyres. Those were goodyears. I ran into a lamp post last night. Luckily I only sustained light injuries. A sweater I purchased was picking up static electricity. I asked for a replacement. They gave me a new one free of charge. Marriage is a wonderful institution. But who wants to live in an institution? I went to a zoo that only had one animal. It was a dog. It was a shih tzu. My wife has forbidden me from making any more breakfast jokes. She said if I do, I'm toast. My son keeps egging me on. He's such a ham.
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PUNS